I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize