1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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