I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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