non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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