Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
