Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
