you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
