I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
