i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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