Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
