im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Boobs are out for the taking
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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