Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
