her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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