I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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