Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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