You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
