Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize