he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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