I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
