I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
