Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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