My liver just broke up with me...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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