OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
