hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The struggles of a small town man whore
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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