matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
