Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
