i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Randomize
