i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
