Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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