Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
