if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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