If that was your dad, he is hot
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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