these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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