the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
