Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
