You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
