we're chasing vodka with high fives
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
