I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
