I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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