Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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