she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
