Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
