I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
