I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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