Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
