Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
