I am puke
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
