Joe is yelling at the trees again.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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