I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
