chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
