my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
