can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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