thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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