if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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