whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
