There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
