where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
