How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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