Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
