I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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