My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
