Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Success! We fucked roommates!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
